communicating compassion and selflessness in the Arab world

Subconsciously, I have always presented myself in a way that I think is best suited to the person I'm speaking to. Without noticing it, I'll often try to intuit the frame of reference people are using and try to present myself in terms of that frame of reference.

In the Middle East, there are things about myself that I just don't talk about. it isn't because I am in any way ashamed or want to hide them about myself, but primarily because people don't really have any frame of reference for it. I can count on two fingers the number of times that I've any sort of substantial conversation on Buddhism with Arabs, and on one the number of times where it has made any sense to them. I've also given up on trying to explain to people that my only goal in life is for people to have the optimal ability to come out of their inner turmoil. Even when this is simplified down to working for the good of society and people is usually seen with some skepticism.

I
There are a number of different hindrances to this understanding. The first is that Islam, especially as it is practiced today, is about as far as a religion can get from Buddhism.

After telling an Arab friend that Buddhists were agnostic on the question of God, he asked me "Who do Buddhists pray to when they need help?" to which I answered "Buddhists don't pray. They meditate. They try to recognize that whatever is going on is impermanent and improve the way they interact with it." He looked at me quite confused.

While Buddhism is completely focused on the individual purifying himself, Islam is solely focused on God almost to the exclusion of attention to internal issues. Buddhism relies on faith for the purpose of focusing on the work of meditation by which you overcome your personal hindrances, while for Islam faith is the end without which everything else you do is purposeless. In Islam, any attempt to improve oneself is almost solely behaviorist. In Buddhism modifying behavior is only a modest prerequisite to arriving at true peace within oneself. The idea of retraining the subconscious mind has no reference as most of the unexplained parts of a person are referred to as the soul.

While many of these parallel to Christianity in the West, the Muslim world has virtually no importation of these ideas and the tradition of doubt and consideration of all perspectives is non exisitant.

II
The second is that the Arab culture is one far more based on pride than on service.

As a Syrian friend was defending the protests about the drawings of the prophet in Denmark, he analogized the situation to someone insulting your father. He asked me "What would you do if someone insulted your father?" I told him "It depends on whether it is true or not. If what he said is true then I would try to help my father overcome whatever failings the person was pointing out. If it isn't true and the person is an idiot. How is that my problem? I'm not going to go out and yell and scream at every idiot in the world. You could spend your whole life doing that and never get anywhere." He was floored. He clearly had no way to relate to this approach. He went on and discussed how there had been criticism before and after assorted but similar methods the criticism had stopped. At that point I realized we were coming from different worlds. In numerous situations I have noticed this approach repeated. Criticism is seen as the problem not an opportunity to solve a problem.

However, I have grown to understand where he is coming from. In the Arab world, in a society where relationships matter far more than quality of work or integrity, one's reputation is everything. Slander is more than a personal insult. It can be a direct economic and social threat.

But what he was touching upon was a more obvious and broadly accepted culture of pride. As I was studying Arabic I came across the word for "humble." I thought, that is a word that I want to know. Then I noticed it had the same meaning as "small" and "insignificant," and came from the root which meant "to humiliate, disparage, derogate, detract" and "to be lowly, humble." As I looked it up in the English to Arabic side, I found another word which I hoped to be more aligned with the meaning I was looking for. This one came from the root "to despise, scorn, disdain, to look down on, to have a low opinion of." Ouch. (Neither of my dictionaries had a word for "selfless")

While charity and forgiveness are themes often returned to in the Quran, these are not the same as compassion and selflessness. Charity and forgiveness can often serve directly in the culture of pride. There no doubt are people working selflessly in the Middle East, but they are the ones who have bucked the overwhelming focus on social status and reputation. It is few people who have accepted my explanation that I would like to understand different cultures and bridge a dialogue between the Middle East without asking how it connects to a career.

Of course these are some of the same difficulties people in the US have in understanding what I'm doing what I'm doing. But the difference is that the US is a number of different cultures coexisting, and while there may not always be mutual understanding, there is an acknowledgment of the coexisting cultures and their validity. The homogeneity of the Middle Eastern culture makes it a bit more difficult to understand the purposes of people outside that perspective.

III
Finally just being a Westerner makes me suspect.

In Cairo, a friend recently told me that NGO's doing work serving marginalized populations are often targeted and deprecated if they receive any attention at all, and they are usually accused of being pawns of the West and serving their interests. These interests I gather are left vague and impending. In the end it doesn't matter what these interests are. At this point we have a half a century long history of intentions, words, and actions that whatever their justifications have perpetuated if not caused conflict and suffering in the middle east. So, no matter how benign an organization's purpose may seem, just receiving US funding is often enough to discredit them as truly serving the interests of the people.

IV
Until now, I've accepted this as part of being in a culture that is not mine. I came not to tell people about myself, but to understand them, and serve them, and help them however I can. But after having been here for some time I have gathered that some of these qualities that I have so much trouble communicating are some of what the society needs most desperately to invest in its long-term future and to grow as a community. As I've looked at many of the problems endemic in the middle east, it has seemed more and more that the problems are a symptom, not the problem. It is a trendy argument to be made that the middle east is or isn't ready for democracy. I have developed some thoughts on it, but ultimately it isn't the question that I'm seeking an answer to. Because ultimately that question leads to many more questions. (and more relevant questions such as "what are the goals of democracy and how can we best meet those goals given the current situation?") The question I'm seeking the answer to is how can I help the people of the middle east be happy and at peace--not only internationally but with themselves at an individual level.

I was talking with a friend who had just had a couple of Arab friends come back from a NGO training conference in the US. The thing that had struck them most on a trip that included a session with Condoleezza Rice, and many activists, organizers, and community investment NGO's was how people treat their kids in America. The idea that parents would ask their kids where they wanted to go on a trip and what they wanted to learn was one they had never, ever run across in the middle east.

This same situation and the ultimate power of the culture had struck me when I was traveling through the US. I stayed at different times with two single moms in rural America, just barely getting by. One was a vegan, caring mom, full of love, who at 27 had just finished her art degree, but her life was completely designed around the parenting needs of her son, who was about 8. She was an amazing parent. Always juggling two jobs, but finding time to help her son with homework, and emphasize the joy of learning. She wasn't coddling, he didn't always get what he wanted and when he pouted she would talk him through how to best get through the situation. He was probably the most mature eight year old I've ever met. When I clumsily knocked over his lego set, he was heartbroken for about 10 seconds, after which he said "It's okay we can rebuild it."

I stayed with another single mom, about 24, with two kids, 3 and 6. The 6 year old daughter was precocious, but already showing the outer independence which belied the desperate neediness for attention and care. She told me on more than one occasion in my 16 hours at their home how she wished that people would send her flowers. It nearly broke my heart. A bit more revealing was the night before when the mom told me about her family story. As she spoke of her mother, their times of the various times of poverty and riches, I noticed that it was the same pattern and lack of needs of the children. Growing up without attention, she moved in with a boyfriend after high school and was still intuitively saw the solution as a man who would provide them with thing as opposed to investment in themselves.

It left me feeling a bit helpless. It just made it exceedingly clear to me in a short time that economic problems aren't the root. How to you teach culture? Self-reflection? Critical thinking? Asking oneself how to make a situation better as opposed to finding whom to judge?

Though, I'm kind of jumping the gun here. I'll write more later on the thought process that led me to believe that the problems of the middle east weren't just in communication, economics or power struggles.